This post contains questions I’ve answered and perspectives I’ve shared throughout the week. Some of my responses are short while others are more detailed and contain more back and forth engagements but there will often be further internal work to be done beyond the answers and responses I share in a recap. When I think it’s appropriate I’ve edited the original content to be more concise without impacting the content’s essence.
My responses on a question regarding loneliness and the fear of being alone
Question:
So I have been working on my social skills for a couple of years now and I have been making a lot of progress. The only thing tho that never seems to go away is my feelings of nervousness and anxiety that just never seems to leave me. I have been challenging myself etc, but still, I can’t seem to stop getting nervous A LOT. It’s more now that I try to not really let it get to me, but it’s still there.. I just.. let it be in the background more I guess? I was just wondering about you guys – have you gotten from being really anxious to like not nervous at all? Is it unrealistic to expect that? I don’t know if it’s something I just have to learn to live with, or expect to go away if I work on it?
My response:
I saw you mention “being different and weird and not deserving of friends” which is something I can relate to. Maybe you’ve done this before but it might help to clarify for yourself what “deserving of friends” really means to you. As I’ve unpacked that for myself one insight I’ve had is there are times where I actually don’t want to connect or be friends with people I’m around or routinely see because we probably wouldn’t or don’t gel together. Rather than accept that reality I think i feared being alone more or believed that I should be able to befriend anyone regardless of genuine interest…this insight also helped me think less about deserving things because rather than “deserve something” I can focus on expecting to obtain things that align with my likes, interests, inclinations, current skill levels, etc. In that way, what we get is a match for us and we can focus on finding those matches rather than wonder if we’re deserving of something. This perspective isn’t always an easy one to accept and may require continual work to remember. You may have different reasons for why you think you aren’t deserving of friends but perhaps this perspective can help you loosen that belief or help you with next steps in some way.
Their response to my answer:
That’s interesting! When you mention it, and something that I have realized is, I think a part of me is very scared of ending up alone (I do feel very lonely in my life) and so I think that maybe leads me to overthink and overworry that I won’t find someone, which in turns fuels my anxiety and feelings of inferiority than if I had simply not cared so much. Maybe they would have been there, but not as strong perhaps?
My response:
it’s possible that your version of “ending up alone” differs from mine and others so unless you have done so already it may be helpful to clarify what “ending up alone” means to you. After having that clarity you may be able to better understand what’s driving the fear of being alone if you examine what about “ending up alone” is a reason–maybe you have multiple reasons–to feel/get scared
Perspective I shared on the topic of being a contrarian (non-conformist) thinker
IG post I responded to: Note that my responses are below this IG post I’ve linked here
Response in the comments that I replied to:
I always thought a contrarian intellect was a shallow one actually. It’s pretty low hanging fruit to just disagree with everyone. It’s more challenging to collaborate, cooperate, and improve on the ideas of esteemed colleagues, and tends to produce more meaningful results.
My response:
Your perspective might be based on the assumption that “esteemed” people are typically on the right path of thinking. They probably are in some scenarios but because of human imperfection they may not be right in every case which is why I’d say that critically thinking about everything one can is beneficial. For example I think the people who first theorized that the world is flat were esteemed for years which probably led to people viewing dissenters as contrarians. I think those contrarians had to reject a number of premises to debunk that theory and propose a more accurate one.
I think improving the living conditions of humanity partly relies on having contrarians within our populace. I think a lot of humanity’s innovations that some people cherish are a result of contrarian thinking!
Perspective I shared on the topic of lust & attraction
IG post I responded to: Note that My responses are below this IG post I’ve linked here
My comment:
I think this is the case at times and there may be other times that despite the lust, you can find additional endearing qualities in the other party that compel you to continue relating…that said, I think there’s social conditioning that gets us to believe that compelling people with our exterior is the most optimal way to navigate relationships but I think this strategy is propagated and perhaps introduced—at least partly—by the beauty industry to get people to continually invest money in their appearance.
Additional thoughts of mine: I see no issue with wanting to improve one’s appearance if that desire isn’t coming from a place of need in which the improvement is a requirement before one feels ok with self. If the desire is coming from such a need, that desire may be a conscious or unconscious source of negative emotions. It’ll likely be helpful to be conscious of that reality to increase self-awareness and inform future decisions regarding your emotional health or other life decisions.
